I Found My Religion on a 45

Now I know why people drink in this industry

It’s the only way to feel numb among the chaos

A tiger never changes his stripes.


Thank god I closed that chapter of my life.

When I need a female pick-me-up

Reminiscing

Sometimes I waste time looking back on old photos on Facebook and sadly wonder where does the time go.

New Beginnings

There is the perfect job for me, an agricultural teaching position for equine studies at a. Ag/vocational high school.

I want this, this is everything I ever wanted to do since I went to college.

I will do anything to get this and that includes getting out of where I currently am the minute I can.

I’m not a believer of signs and don’t put much faith in any higher powers that be, but let this be my moment. Let this be the opportunity I have been looking for and let me have the chance to run with it.

What Is Normal?

I ponder this question more and more, especially on days that I seem to have no idea what and why I am currently doing whatever it is that I’m doing. It most often happens in periods of utter impatience, kneeling in a stall covered in straw, manure, and urine while a horse refuses to keep his leg still for one moment so I can wrap/poultice/brush/etc.

I give them the benefit of the doubt, I wouldn’t want any of that happening to me either.

So is this normal? Is my current or past jobs normal? Is it ok to be normal? Do I have the authority to define this word as I please?

What I currently do is a funny business. It involves working 7 days a week, mainly 12+ hrs a day at many times, sometimes just 8 on others. It requires to not desire vacation, sick time, benefits, or the most beloved “day off” that many people go through their work week living for.

It requires getting up at what most people would consider an ungodly hours, 3:30, 4:00, working outdoors no matter what the weather brings you, and doing whatever needs to be done because you have an animal with no voice relying on you. It may require you to stay with him till 1:00am because he is ill and you think well at least 3 hours of sleep is better than none.

It requires sacrifice, quite a bit of it. Sacrificing yourself for this, for the horses, for the owners, for your boss. Your the first one to get there and the last one to leave, you let your employees to get paid before you because you need them, and you know at the moment you can’t go anywhere.

So is it worth it? To give up what most people would consider a normal life? I never see much happiness, maybe from the gallop riders, from the win photos, and from the audience that watches from the frontside. We are all trying to make it, whether it is by the day or make it to Breeder’s Cup, it’s a battle against yourself and the animals in your care.

I am giving up myself for this, and most times I don’t know why. Why does everything come in front of me and more so, why do I allow or even promote it to happen.

As a birthday gift I got tickets to see Taylor Swift. Tickets were bought in February, concert was in April. What happens two days before the concert? I can’t go, I have to go to Indiana to run a horse. To me it was a slight twinge of unhappiness, followed by a self-realization that well this is how it is. So I go and do my job.

I would work at the track from 5:00am to about 12:00pm and then had to go to the farm, return to the track at 5:00pm, feed and return home at 6:30. I’m suppose to leave at four from the farm, be done with my day, but it never happened most times. Again, a shrug of the shoulders and I go with it.

My current boss would blast my former boss for never giving me a day off, saying you need it for sanity and to not become burned out. I get offered a job from him which includes a day off, a raise in pay, and set hours. It sounded wonderful, a chance for some normalcy. It lasted a month, then back to the track I went, my days off suddenly a distant promise.

There is a quote in Eugene Oneills Long Day’s Journey Into Night

“None of us can help the things life has done to us. They’re done before you realize it, and once they’re done they make you do other things until at last everything comes between you and what you’d like to be, and you’ve lost your true self forever.”

So have I been foolish in letting people and their choices decide what life I should led? I like to please people, do what they want. Have I come to the point where someone is vicariously living through me, or using me, or deciding what I should do because it benefits their operation?

I have gotten into a predicament, working for individuals who say one thing and do another. It’s funny how a person can lambast another when in reality, once that shoe is on the person’s foot they do the same.

I am unfortunately a gem, a hard worker, I’ll do a anything for those horses, go above and beyond the call. It makes me very desirable, especially in an industry where overwork is the norm.

I haven’t been paid in three weeks. That is quite a bit of pay waiting for me. Working when you haven’t been paid in a long time gets difficult, more so when your boss is giving you shit or when you are expected to do something at a moments notice. Again, he would roast my boss for being slow pay, but at least he never was three weeks behind and he never kept paying other people before me. Three weeks of payroll has occurred in two separate race tracks, surely those individuals would quit if they didn’t get their pay because any normal person would.

I have a loving, adoring boyfriend, who is accomplished in his own education and so far in his career. He cringes at what I go through and thinks I deserve so much more. This job unfortunately affects this relationship often, as I am often guilty of putting the job before us.

My parents are older, in their sixties. While they are still very body able and sound of mind, it worries me what is to come in the next years. I yearn to spend more time with them. To see them more than once a year. This is a choice of mine, a desire. It is not possible with what I currently do.

I am 24 and have not had the opportunity to know what it’s like to be 21,22,23. To have choice and desire, to make decisions for yourself, to do things for yourself.

I feel like this is what my current situation will come down to:

1. I choose to keep doing what I am doing, keep getting what I am getting, shrug my shoulders and live with the motto “it’s my job”

2. Quit, take the time to find something that is honest, has advancement, is fulfilling, is fair. Don’t regret it, take years that you think you have lost as periods of experience and learning, and choose to put you before anything else.

What’s On Your Mind?

I love when Facebook has “What’s on Your Mind” in the status box and I just want to put

FUCK EVERYTHING

but you know, that might be a bit much

Graduation Remembrance

In honor of seeing the last of the students I know that I went to college with graduating, a lot has changed in the two years since I graduated:

- Broke up with a boyfriend of four years

- Dated a man 13 years older than me for a year, who I will care about for the rest of my life, but unfortunately there was just too much baggage to turn what we had into a lasting, solid life together

- Dated a jerk for either three weeks or three months. Learned what red flags are

- Found someone amazing who I can see spending the rest of my life with

- Moved 700 miles away to Kentucky

- Got my first job, first job turned into 2 jobs, quit first job, took another job (3rd), quit 2nd job, now have 1 full time job (#3) which may reach its end soon as well

- Rented my first apartment, moved to a 2nd apartment with a friend, friend broke lease on 2nd apartment which led me to living with a boyfriend for the 1st time in his apartment

- Took out my first line of credit

- Went to the Breeders Cup in style and partied with a Kentucky Derby winning jockey

- Got my 1st win picture taken 

- Saw the last of my older cousins have a child, leaving me and my brother the last in the family to get married and have children

- Got licensed as an Assistant Thoroughbred trainer

- Partied at a gay club, went to a strip club

I’m sure there is more, but it seems like gist of it

I have not known no greater love than the love I feel now