In honor of seeing the last of the students I know that I went to college with graduating, a lot has changed in the two years since I graduated:

- Broke up with a boyfriend of four years

- Dated a man 13 years older than me for a year, who I will care about for the rest of my life, but unfortunately there was just too much baggage to turn what we had into a lasting, solid life together

- Dated a jerk for either three weeks or three months. Learned what red flags are

- Found someone amazing who I can see spending the rest of my life with

- Moved 700 miles away to Kentucky

- Got my first job, first job turned into 2 jobs, quit first job, took another job (3rd), quit 2nd job, now have 1 full time job (#3) which may reach its end soon as well

- Rented my first apartment, moved to a 2nd apartment with a friend, friend broke lease on 2nd apartment which led me to living with a boyfriend for the 1st time in his apartment

- Took out my first line of credit

- Went to the Breeders Cup in style and partied with a Kentucky Derby winning jockey

- Got my 1st win picture taken 

- Saw the last of my older cousins have a child, leaving me and my brother the last in the family to get married and have children

- Got licensed as an Assistant Thoroughbred trainer

- Partied at a gay club, went to a strip club

I’m sure there is more, but it seems like gist of it

I have not known no greater love than the love I feel now

You showed up at the bar the night I asked you what you were doing. You wanted me to come with you downtown and introduced me to all your friends.

You asked if I wanted to go the movies the next day and I said yes. I didn’t think you actually take me and then I got a text asking when I would get home. You said you would be there in thirty minutes and on the dot you were at the door.

We sat in the car and watched Christmas lights when you reached behind you and took out a rose, for me.

I asked if you wanted me to cook you dinner on Friday. I said I might need to get some things from the grocery store, thinking I would go before he got there. He instead wanted to go with me, and helped me cook, and then made me sit and talk to him while he cleaned up the kitchen.

I then saw you two days in a row. I didn’t feel good, but you didn’t care and we layed on the couch all day and watched movies. You said you just wanted to be with me.

I’m guarded, I don’t want to be burned again. You make me melt, you intrigue me, but most of all I feel safe and happy. Not happy for a moment, but happy the entire time. And even when you go my happiness lingers because you say I want to see you tomorrow and actually does it.

This is how it is suppose to be I am assuming

Why must I pick the most difficult path every time? For once I would like the road that is newly paved that is is flat and straight for miles…

but for the first time in 6 years and for the first time since I had my 1st boyfriend I am single. Not sure how I feel about this

When you should have known when it was not good:

1) Shows up 1 1/2 - 2 hours late for picking you for dinner

2) He shows up 1 1/2 - 2 hours late when you told him your making him dinner

3) When he only Facebook requests some of your friends even though he met all of them and proceeds to ask them what their age is and if they have a boyfriend (oh but he claims he just did it so they didn’t think something was going on between us)

4) When he use to come over all the time and now he doesn’t

5) When he use to text you all the time and now he doesn’t

6) He goes from falling asleep by accident and rushing to your house at 2:00am to be with you to not even seeing you before he leaves for a trip

7) When he goes from calling you every night when he is away to barely texting you the entire time he is gone

8) When before you even start dating, two people tell you to not date him

9) When you ask about him to other people, there are not nice things to say

10) When he doesn’t introduce you to anyone, not even his friends

11) When he says he is coming over and he doesn’t (and repeats this about 10x)

12) Gives you every excuse in the book and at first you believe them and then you begin to realize this is stupid

13) You know he has a reputation, he is like a sailor and has girls at every port

14) He even tells you about all his escapades and girls he has been with, how he is a bad boyfriend, and is never happy

15) He covers you in kisses and lies

16) When all your friends start telling you to dump him

17) When your gut is telling you something is wrong, it means get out, you listened to it all the times before so why is it this time you are ignoring it

18) Because even though he can make you feel amazing, it is for a split second, while the rest of time is you feeling miserable

Remember this

I think about what would of happened if I picked you at that night. A part of me wished I had.

Baby I want a stakes colt…and you are just a $5,000 claimer

“Behind these pretty blue eyes is a sadness that can’t be described”

How do you show a guy that what happened in the past does not have to happen again, that just because things got fucked up once does mean every relationship you have from that point onward will result the same way? How do you get someone to stop using the negative traits they see in themselves as a reason that nothing will work?

How is it possible that someone thinks you are the most amazing person and tells you that you are exactly the person they need to be but in the same breath says he just knows that it won’t work.

I just don’t understand.

He says he is damaged goods, that his mind is not right, that he is never happy, never satisfied, but lays in my arms and sleeps in my bed at night and tells me how incredibly happy I make him. We are all damaged goods, we all have traits that are undesirable in both our own eyes and the eyes of other people. I have secrets, I have issues that affect me, that bother me, but I won’t ever share them because some things I can’t even admit to myself. But when you care for someone, truly care unconditionally, you take them for what they are because that is what you love about them. I am a big girl, I know what I am getting in to and here are, both still holding on to each other.